My mind shot back 35 years to when I had asked the same thing of my future father-in-law I had already bought the ring and Sheila and I had decided to be married. If Dan McCarthy had said no, I don’t know what we would have done. Sheila says she would have gone ahead; or did she just know that he would approve? I felt I was in the same position, so I thanked Tom for asking and commented that that was between he and Amy. I did really appreciate the gesture; the proprieties seem to have been lost in our culture. Also, I approved, and I knew Sheila did too.
Little did I know what that simple conversation would lead to. Nine months of planning, replanning, changing, rechanging; all by Sheila and Amy. Showers, parties, gatherings; the wedding would take on a life of its own, consuming time, energy, emotion, and money at an ever growing pace.
Within two weeks Amy and Sheila were off on the first of many shopping trips. First was the wedding gown. Some three miles from home, in downtown Ellicott City is a little bridal shop. Amy liked the first gown she tried on. They then shopped all day and returned to buy that gown. I know this from hearsay, as no sane mother-of-the-bride would take a father-of- the-bride on such a shopping trip. To top it all, the dress was under budget. We never really had a fixed budget, but Sheila had an idea as to what the costs should be. I had no idea, and to this day, do not know what the wedding cost.
They returned from the first days shopping happy that a major item was taken care of. I was happy regarding the “under budget” statement. I was then given my one and only task. The limo. When I think of the planning that went into this wedding I am grateful that this was my only responsibility. Yellow pages, nice add, nice picture. I called, stated my need and was told they had the most unique limo in Baltimore, a 27 foot long 1957 Chevy. I commented that I had owned a 1957 Chevy, and didn’t need a ride in another one. What I needed a ride in was a Rolls Royce. I had called them because their yellow pages add had a picture of a Rolls Royce. Hell, the ladies were under budget, I thought I’d spend the savings before someone else did. That was it, my part of the planning was done.
In a couple of weeks we were in Alexandria, VA visiting Amy and planning. The opportunity was taken to find a dress for Heather. Amy’s decision to have only a Maid of Honor simplified the dress selection process. They found a dress at the bridal shop across the street from Amy’s apartment. Heather was measured and told that the gown she tried on fit perfectly because it had been stretched from being tried on by so many people. So one size larger was ordered.
Sheila and Amy had a few other things to do. Along with the wedding gown and Heather’s dress they needed to: pick a site for the reception; select a church for the wedding; arrange for flowers; buy a mother-of-the-bride dress; pick a photographer; find invitations; design the program; chose songs; chose an organist; find a band; locate a bagpiper; select table clothes; design center pieces; pick a cake baker; find valet parking; block rooms at three nearby hotels; find a beauty shop near the main hotel selected, and there were a few other things. The myriad of needs and details associated with each led me to think that had Ike had them in his command he could have held D-Day in 1943.
Within each area of concern there were details, the most significant was the guest list. Amy had initially though of a home wedding, but numbers precluded that. The choice of the Garret-Jacobs Mansion, home of the Engineering Society of Baltimore, as the site of the reception was near perfect. It maintained the home wedding idea, but provided space and services sufficient for a quality affair. The wedding list started large and grew only slightly. One rule we held was that all attendees, from our side, had to know Amy, and be talking to us.
As some details were finalized, the guest list massaging continued. The band had been selected and we needed to select the songs. All but two had to be from the band’s list. Here I had some influence. The song for the father and bride dance was ‘Once in Love With Amy.” I sent a tape of Ray Bolger’s version to the band.
The table cloth lady was visited sometime after the 5th iteration of the guest list. This was after the florist and photographer were chosen. I was out of town the day the “cake lady” brought sample cakes. Sheila, Amy and Tom tasted. Tom liked the carrot cake. Amy selected strawberry, but being ever the diplomat, she had the top layer made of carrot cake.
The reception room at the mansion has a stage for the band, but with an invitee list of 156 we ran the risk of having very little floor space left for a dance floor. We were told that 10 to 30% would send regrets.
In October we hosted an engagement party. It was friends, Sheila’s family from NY, PA and CT, my family from Pittsburgh, and Tom’s parents and one sister from upstate NY. It was a great party and boded well for the wedding with the two families getting along well. This was the first of the showers/parties, and fortunately the only one I attended.
Christmas came and it all seemed to be going well, the guest list had nearly stabilized. Amy and Tom spent the week before Christmas in upstate NY and flew back on Christmas Day. Sharing was already a reality, a necessity we didn’t relish, but we accepted it.
February was invitation mailing month. The specific invitations had long been selected and directions to the wedding sites from the various hotels had been prepared. I was told to find matching stamps. Horrors, if someone got an invitation and the return envelope stamp was not coordinated with the stamp on the main envelope. I went to the main post office for our area, and asked for such stamps. “Uh” was the response. I went to the Woodstock, MD post office, and they knew what I wanted but didn’t have any. Finally I went to the old post office in downtown Ellicott City, and they had the “love stamps.” Now, with coordinated stamps, we could proceed.
Amy, Heather, and Sheila went to the little dress shop in Ellicott City to have Amy’s dress fitted. It fitted well, but the veil she selected was not there. The owner had ordered the wrong veil. Sheila liked it, but Amy didn’t. Heather was checking out the shoes Amy ordered. They were supposed to be ivory, they were white. The store lady said they were ivory. They came in a box marked white. While Sheila and Amy discussed the veil with the shop lady, Heather switched the shoe box with another one in the store, marked ivory, and in Amy’s size. They left with the dress, the ivory shoes, and the veil on hold. I wonder who came in for their ivory shoes and saw only white.
A second source was found for the veil. Sheila and Amy designed the veil with “the veil lady.” The dress lady was told her veil was not acceptable. She said she had a no cancellation policy. Sheila said that she wasn’t canceling what was ordered, but what was delivered. The dress lady remained firm. Sheila handled it very well. She asked the dress lady to reconsider her position on the veil, then came home an put a hold on the entire remainder of the charge with Visa. The dress lady ultimately provided the refund.
Now we picked up Heather’s dress. It was much too large, but we brought it home, and had it altered by a tailor in the area, at a reasonable price. I wondered if the dress shop oversized the dress, so they could charge their exorbitant alteration fees. Over the next month the final details of everything were falling into place. The music for the organist and piper were selected, and the program for the church was ready to be sent to the printer.
Sheila and Amy made appointments with a hairdresser near the hotel, so they could test the product. When they decided it was acceptable they blocked appointments for the numerous women who would need hairdressing for the morning of the wedding. The choice of brands of liquor and wines were made, tentative seating arrangements were made, things were progressing.
Now came the daily calls from Amy regarding RSVPs. If all 156 came, we would have a small dance floor. The first 40+ responses were positive. We had 90+ people coming and 60 unresponsive. The pressure began to build. The mansion was having no luck finding a valet parking service, and gave us a list of garages in the area. May 9, 1998 was also the middle of a Monet exhibit at the Walters Art Gallery. The art gallery is one street behind the Garrett Jacobs Mansion. Parking would be tight. Barbara, from the mansion, reached agreement with the company providing valet parking for the exhibit and we moved on.
Amy and Tom had the additional task of finding a location for the rehearsal dinner, and chose Capricio’s Restaurant in Little Italy. We now had to prepare directions from various locations to Capricio’s.
Tom and I took a day to get the tux rentals. We tried a few places and finally settled on Sy’s. Tom was going with regular collars on the tuxedos. I don’t know if it was because of me, but I did make it known that I don’t like the stand-up collars. This need for regular collars, and Tom wanted cream, limited our choices of provider.
The seating charts were in revision 77, and the responses dwindled to a few a week. We had about 10 regrets, so we were down to 15 tables, resulting in a comfortable sized dance floor. Sheila, Amy and I then had our tasting dinner at the Engineer’s Club, and selected the menu. With a month to go the regrets pile had jumped to 35 people. We were down to 13 tables, and a large dance floor. Each regret required a new version of the seating plan.
The need for baby sitters had been a long term concern, and was, at last resolved by a friend of Heather’s, Bridget Drake. She and her boyfriend, or was it fiancé, agreed to handle the job. The date neared and the final count was 120. Now with 12 tables we had a roomy ballroom layout. The final seating plan was developed.
Throughout all of this the level of tension grew. The myriad of details; each checked and rechecked, the seating arrangements, ever changing. The wedding had not only taken of a life of its own, it was consuming ours. For a break we watched both versions of the movie, “The Father of the Bride.” With the original, Spencer Tracy , version, I as usual identified with the groom. With the Steve Martin version, I identified with the father. It wasn’t nearly as funny, now that we were living it.
Finally it was Thursday, wedding week. Tom’s family was in town for the week, visiting Washington. We had a picnic at our house. It was nice to meet them all before the wedding and have some time (about 1 minute per person) with them. It rained so the children’s activities were limited.
Friday was move out day. We loaded two cars and moved to the Clarion Hotel, across the street from the mansion. When we go on vacation, I always comment that my grandparents emigrated with less. This time, it was true.
The rehearsal went well, the rehearsal dinner was outstanding. Ann and Digger (Tom’s parents) were kind enough to let me make a toast at the dinner. Sheila’s father had bought a jug of Tulamore Dew in Ireland when Amy was born, that was to be used for a toast at Amy’s wedding. (He had done the same for Heather and for Mickey’s children.) Since Amy would be gone after the reception, and since one jug of Tulamore Dew wasn’t going to suffice for 120 people, we decided to have the toast at the rehearsal dinner. The cork had dried so one of the waiters and I dug it out, then strained the liquor. We poured the contents into shot glasses and passed them out. I started to make the toast and almost didn’t finish. I thought it was the thoughts of Sheila’s parents and my parents, and others who weren’t there, that hit me. It might have been that, but I think it was the emotion of the day, for which I was totally unprepared. I think I finished the toast.
After that it was back to our hotel, where friends were waiting and the party continued with most of the rehearsal dinner crowd joining us.
The next morning had been planned to include a round of golf. Sheila thought that I couldn’t last until 4:00PM without some diversion. So three guests/family members had brought their clubs, and Sheila had made us a tee time. The tee time was 8:20AM. With the one member of the foursome’s spikes needing to be replaced by soft spikes before we could play, we had to be at the club by 7:45AM. This meant leaving Baltimore by 7:00AM. The party after the rehearsal dinner ran very late, and at about 6:45AM, I was awakened by a call from Arlon Sieve, the driver for golf, asking if I really wanted to play. I said that the weather and the late night were too much. He agreed and said he’d pick me up for lunch at 11:00.
I couldn’t go back to sleep so I walked to the inner harbor, and on to the Marriott for breakfast. I ran into Sheila’s cousin, George Beluk, having coffee while his family slept in. On the way back to the hotel I stopped at the Lexington Market for some crab cakes for Sheila’s aunts Mimi and Rita to take home.
I went to lunch with the foursome, while Sheila held a brunch for the female guests from our side of the family, who were staying in various hotels in town.
After lunch I came back to the hotel to nap, then dress. I couldn’t nap. This was becoming a difficult day. I had slept very little the last two nights, as was the case for Sheila and Heather, and I assume Amy and Tom.
Heather and Amy returned from the hairdresser. Heather presented herself and said “what do you think.” She decided that the look on my face agreed with her assessment of the hairdo. My reaction was more that the styling that was unlike anything she had ever done before. It was in tight little curls, I had never seen her like that before. It didn’t look bad, but It didn’t look like Heather.
Amy floated in, she was serene and beautiful. Heather wouldn’t hear, from Amy or me, that she looked fine. We entered panic mode. It was 3:00, I was due at the church at 4:00. Heather felt she could do something with her hair, but she needed bobby pins. I was sent for bobby pins. While I was gone, Amy and Heather decided that Laura and Kathy Begg could do a better job on Heather’s hair, so they called them. Laura and Kathy dressed quickly and came over to our hotel.
I arrived with the bobby pins, at the same time Sheila returned from the hairdresser. We were shortly joined by Laura and Kathy. While they began their work, I showered, dressed and left. I saw no one in final dress mode. Dale McLane was in the front of the hotel, as he had been designated limo manager. With such a short drive to the church, and later to the reception, we decided to have the maximum number of people use the Rolls. Sheila’s aunts and cousin Sue joined me on my trip. Dale knew who had to ride in the limo, and if none of them were present, he sent it with other guests. The Rolls made about 6 trips.
The organist and the piper were discussing the music, the ushers and a few people were mingling at the back of the church. Guests began to arrive. I had arrived early to greet people, as we thought that was a nice touch at Carey and Ginny’s daughter’s weddings. The piper went out front and played until Amy arrived. The back of the church became a gathering point, and no one was moving forward to be seated. At about 4:20 I asked a few people to start the move, and things began to roll.
I went back out front and the limo arrived with Amy. As she got out a sudden gust of wind took off her veil. We caught it, but Heather, coming out behind Amy thought she had stepped on it, pulling it off. The hairdresser team then came out of the limo and, with Sheila, reattached the veil. Heather was now crying, from the veil incident and probably from the day. She was probably where I was, unprepared for the emotions of the day.
Amy took my arm, and when the piper was halfway down the aisle we started off. I asked her if she really wanted to do this, she said “yes.” I pressed her and said, “are you sure.” Again she said, “yes.” I pressed he hand and said “so am I.” I don’t remember hearing the piper, I don’t remember walking, I don’t remember anything. Then we were at the altar.
It was hard to believe that my little girl was this woman about to be married. When Amy was 3 we had a little signal for one another, that meant ‘I love you.” We would point at each other with our index finger and then crook it. Amy had used it at Mickey’s wedding, signaling to me from across the church.
When we were at the altar, Amy said softly, “Dad.” I looked and she cricked her index finger at me. I kissed her again, then, weak in the knees, made my way into the pew with Sheila. No one ever told me how difficult this moment would be. Later, at the reception, several fathers-of-the-bride agreed. Why didn’t someone tell me before?
I had a chance to view the church, with Amy sitting next to Tom, she was radiant and so happy. There was Heather sitting next to the best man. Laura and Kathy had done their job, her hair was as beautiful as the rest of her. Heather had always wanted to look like Grace Kelly. I turned to Sheila and said, “she does look like Grace Kelly.”
The service went on, the priest commented on how Amy had organized the service. There were numerous readers, Amy’s aunt, Mickey; Amy’s cousins Michael and Meghan, Tom’s nieces Cara and Meghan; and Mark and Heidi, friends of Amy and Tom’s. The vows were exchanged, with clear voices; rings exchanged. Then the priest gave a homily. He had mentioned, at the rehearsal dinner, how both Amy and Tom had parents with long marriages, and these examples bode well for them. We thought he might use that as part of his homily. No chance. He roamed all over the place, having no point, a couple of times he clearly lost his train of thought. He began a story of how Amy would greet Tom at the door with a pitcher of martinis. At this Sheila started making a slashing motion across her throat giving him the “cut’ sign. He didn’t see her and, in time, the homily, mercifully, ended.
At the end the piper piped us out. Sheila walked out with Tom’s mother, Ann. As she left the pew I noticed how lovely she looked. In the confusion of the day, I had not seen her dressed for church before I left the hotel, and in the confusion in front of the church I hadn’t had the time to appreciate her.
We had a receiving line in the back of the church. There were numerous comments on how much the piper added to it all. The mixture of people at a wedding is interesting. Family on both sides, of course, who have very little knowledge of each other. Friends of the parents of the bride and the groom, who have no knowledge of each other. Friends of the groom, garnered over a lifetime, the same for the bride, and those few couples who are friends of the bride and the groom. Yet the common bond makes them all friends for this one day.
We were the last group to be driven to the reception. I expected to see a line of cars waiting to be parked, but there were none. There was, what seemed to be, an army of parking attendants. The valet service had a lull in it Monet exhibit parking, and had moved almost the entire staff to the mansion. People remarked on the speed with which the valet service worked. As we entered the mansion it began to rain. Now it could pour, who cared. I made it to the bar, then started into the crowd in the sitting room, but was called back to the entrance hall for pictures. The photographer took family and bridal party pictures in what seemed like no time. He was everywhere, but never seemed to be intrusive. Another great selection by the planning team. I have been to weddings that seem to be run by the photographer, or the band or the DJ. Not this one.
Amy seemed oblivious, yet in control, nothing could upset her. Brides always seem to be in total control. Is it learned or inborn? Amy stayed in the foyer for more pictures while Sheila, Heather, and I returned to the guests. I worked the room. When the mass of people seemed to be closing in on me, I escaped to the ballroom. The band had just finished setting up, and the staff was making final adjustments. I had seen the room earlier in the day when I was assigned to bring family wedding pictures to be set in the sitting room. Sheila and Amy had decided, rightly, that this would give a home feel to the reception.
Now the ballroom seemed to glow. There were lights, but the room seemed to generate its own glow. The attention to detail, the discussions of which, had evoked nasty comments from me, were paying off. Tom’s niece Cara came in, she walked back out and told her mother it looked like “the film Titanic.” The guests were called to the ballroom. The parents of the couple and the wedding party were introduced. Sheila and I got the usual, parent’s of the bride standing ovation; prompting me to say that a standing ovation was easy if you were willing to spend the money.
Heather was to give her toast first, but a prop, a driftwood “Tiki” was not where it should have been. While the staff retrieved it, Kevin, the best man gave his toast. It was the best I have ever heard. I wish he had written it down. Heather began hers by saying “I thought I had a good toast before I heard that.” Then she began her story. Some people can tell a story and some can’t; Heather can. It was funny relating to Tom and Amy’s meeting in Jamaica, it was touching. She finished with, “Amy: Mom, Dad and I just want you to have the happiness you deserve.”
Amy and Tom danced the bridal dance and then began to visit their guests. I could only hope she could be as happy every day as she was then.
Then dinner was served. The choices, again, were all well made. The cake cutting went almost unnoticed. The Waterford, bride and groom had caused the top layer of the cake to slide on its pedestal. The bride and groom hit the marble floor but came out unscathed. The same couldn’t be said for the top layer of the cake. It survived, but it wasn’t a pristine carrot cake Tom and Amy ate in May of 1999.
Dancing and partying continued, and it was time for the father/bride dance. We found that the band had developed a very nice, and danceable, version of “Once in Love With Amy.”
Amy seemed to be everywhere and yet never seemed to be rushing from place to place. She and Tom extended the evening by joining the younger friends and family at the Belvedere after the reception.
Sheila circulated and was the perfect hostess (was anyone surprised). Heather was everywhere and enjoyed herself. Tom’s nephew was impressed that she danced with him. I had two dances with Sheila but the night raced by so quickly that I never danced with Heather.
Everyone seemed to enjoy the evening, and the total package was more than I had ever expected. The day, the church, the reception, the people, the emotions, the beauty of it all. I think I will enjoy every wedding I attend in the future, more because of this.
Yes, the wedding did have a life of its own; it did consume our lives. Organizing it was every problem that everyone said it would be. I don’t know what Sheila’s budget was, or if she exceeded it.
It was a bargain.
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